Random Rants

Random Rants

Geez… I woke up this morning feeling lazy, doing nothing. It is unusual because I am a little bit of a compulsive obsessive person especially when I have something on my plate, like a hobby and I have. I am doing a project right now and I feel frustrated with the mistakes I did. I rushed into and I just ruin it so now I am angry at myself for doing so. Anyway, today, I feel like abandoning it for awhile. For awhile, perhaps today, tomorrow or I don’t know a week. The truth is you know, it is frustrating to continue to work and finish a project and yet not getting any tangible results out of it. I’ve finished paintings and I feel frustrated not getting money out of it. I mean, am I doing it wrong? I’ve done everything I can to market it but still nothing. All I want is to make money out of the things I love because I believe this is where my luck lies. Not in some gad damn office, working as a telephone operator and wasting my entire life being bullied and boss around by less talented people. That’s all I ever want, to be independent, to do what I want and be compensated by it. Freedom, it is what I want. To have control over my life, myself and my future but it seems after all my sacrifices, I am stuck in this hell hole. I am under house arrest for some time now, hiding from authorities, feeling ashamed of myself because I was kicked out of a company whose reason for not having me is my gaddamn personality. But I took it like a sports, I get on with my life, took everything as an opportunity to evolve and to change, which I did. I succeeded but still I am still in hell hole, feeling frustrated of not having money of my own.

All I ever wanted after school, or even before school, was to help my family, but it seems that every time, I engage myself into a work, I feel like it is never going to be enough. So I keep changing jobs, jumping from one company to another. My position has always been the same, receptionist and every time I work as such I always found myself as a miserable telephone operator who is desperate to get out of the job after six months. The money is the only thing I want, I don’t want the work. Only the money, so I figured I have to change myself and add something to my ability other than a fucking degree in college because no matter what I do, no matter where I go, I will always be viewed as a lesser being than others.

What do you call this? This kind of fucking frustration? Life. I call this life. And you know what I hate my life, I hate my dreams, I hate myself for ever believing that something will be better, I hate myself for ever believing in miracles. I know I am getting close, but every time I get messed up and failed, it is getting harder and harder to move back up again. I am not some gad damn saint. I am just a frustrated person who wants to have money so I can help my family. I can’t see myself anymore, anywhere near what it used to be. If I try to imagine myself settling down with a family, gah… I can’t even make a relationship successful. I am not complete person yet and I will never be. How can you settle down with someone like that? I wouldn’t. I am the kind of person who needs something to win, something to conquer otherwise, my life would be just a fucking hell hole and I see having a family for that.

I have regrets and I am frustrated with people trying to make me live their lives, hounding at me about getting married, having a family. I know I want to have children but I don’t know…it is tall order.

So now, I am waiting for a certain project which I hoped would salvage my empty bank accounts. Perhaps it would only just be few dollars but it is all I have right now. It is all I have. If only I knew that life would be as frustrating and as disappointing as this is, I wouldn’t have chosen to live after all.