I am angry at a loss, whatever it is. But I guess I am not
the only one. Who doesn’t want to win all the time. We work and sacrifice so
much in our daily lives so we can win in this race we call life. At one point
in my life, I made a decision, or maybe I didn’t make it myself, the universe
made it for me. I lost something and I am mad as hell about it. So mad that I
even hurt myself for ever allowing it to happen. I felt so lost after that. I’ve
had a lot of regrets and even those regrets, I regret of feeling them. I found
myself in a rut, buried so deep underground that I don’t know how to get out
of. I struggle, I tried my best to keep myself afloat but I guess my previous
behavior is no longer applicable with my new found hole and hell.
So I ask myself, how and why did you do it? And you know
what the answer is- my wounds and being tired of continuously being wounded and
not being able to at least do something about it. And perhaps pride and ego and
that eagerness to at least finally experience the beautiful side of life. I’ve
been that person who have been bullied in the High school. I am that person who
is not beautiful enough, not tall enough and not good enough. I am that person
whom people always step on to. I got tired of it. I got tired of being blamed
for the fate of others. And you know what happened after that? After I got
really honest with myself? I felt whole. I felt that the cage I thought will
destroy me is actually the one who will save me and who will make the
difference in my life. I made the right decision after all. My instinct is
right after all. Suddenly, I felt for the
first time in my life, I am no longer a loser but a winner. I am not used to it
yet, but it is a process. Certainly is the process.
I want to be better. I want to get better. No matter how
long it takes. I trust myself now, because I understand myself now. I now know
and understand why. I just want to be whole.
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