It's been awhile since I blog. It's because I was too occupied with more important things, at least to my mind. A book. I feel that this book is my trophy after all those years of long journey and sacrifice of my being only to make a difference in other people's lives. Though I couldn't help but feel sorry for my lost years of youth that I never get to experience, I just have to keep in mind that I am doing this for my parents. It is for them. What better way to honor my parents than to write a book solely dedicated to them? It's for them. It's also for myself. I feel that once I publish this book, I will reach the end of this tiring journey in life. I am tired. Of life. To be honest, I am hopeful for a better future but I have so much issues- anger- within myself that i have to focus on. My idealism, even my hopes and dreams have died out. They simply withered into something less, I guess. I am so heartbroken with life, so disillusioned and I feel that something important in me, died away. And there's no way I could get it back.
I am an artist. To the very sense of the word of being an artist. I know what torment is. I know what darkness, despair, tragedy and sacrifice is. I know what the journey was like and I keep asking myself, is it really worth it to become an artist? Many people have glorified the word as if it is something to be looked up to. But no, being an artist is to exist in the world while keeping one feet off the world. There's so much responsibility that goes along with that word. I did not choose to be one instead life chose it for me. Being an artist is to be aware that I am nothing but a wreckage that needs to be fixed. And the job of an artist is to fix himself, make art out of it so the world could pay for it. Does that sound glamorous to you?
I don't think so...
I am aware that it isn't my responsibility as a person to disclose my personal life to the public. Rather it is my responsibility as an artist to bare my soul through my art. Let the world think what they want to think and believe what they want to believe. I don't owe anyone any explanation about myself, my choices, my anger, my issues, my behavior or whatever things about me that an average person is bothered from. I simply don't care. Like a dancer who doesn't care about others but only to his movement, I don't care what people think of me or what I put out there. My business is with my art.
Speaking of desires... Honestly, perhaps all I need and all I ever wanted was to feel less alone. This is my curse and my problem. A wound that no matter how I do, I can't seem to find a cure for. I always always feel alone. Even when I am surrounded by dozens of people in a room or even when I am around my family, I still do feel so alone. So my hope is to at least find someone who can make my feel less alone. I don't care what generation he is from, I need him, in my life. For this life is unbearable without love.
This life is unbearable without love....
You know, I am eternally hurting with the fact that I cannot do anything to at least help my parents. My dad is getting old and my mom as well and I know that they want to stop working now and retire but then, they still can't simply because I still badly need help. It is as if I want to regret the fact that I've dedicated all my youth and my life to study hard, work at an early age so I can help them, yet, here I am stuck in this oblivion, thinking about how to end all of this because there's so much questions and helplessness and coldness and detachment that I can't seem to run away from.
No wonder so many people wanted to end it all.
And I am afraid of what I am wanting...
Random Rants
Random Rants
Geez… I woke up this morning feeling lazy, doing nothing. It
is unusual because I am a little bit of a compulsive obsessive person
especially when I have something on my plate, like a hobby and I have. I am
doing a project right now and I feel frustrated with the mistakes I did. I
rushed into and I just ruin it so now I am angry at myself for doing so.
Anyway, today, I feel like abandoning it for awhile. For awhile, perhaps today,
tomorrow or I don’t know a week. The truth is you know, it is frustrating to
continue to work and finish a project and yet not getting any tangible results
out of it. I’ve finished paintings and I feel frustrated not getting money out
of it. I mean, am I doing it wrong? I’ve done everything I can to market it but
still nothing. All I want is to make money out of the things I love because I
believe this is where my luck lies. Not in some gad damn office, working as a
telephone operator and wasting my entire life being bullied and boss around by
less talented people. That’s all I ever want, to be independent, to do what I
want and be compensated by it. Freedom, it is what I want. To have control over
my life, myself and my future but it seems after all my sacrifices, I am stuck
in this hell hole. I am under house arrest for some time now, hiding from
authorities, feeling ashamed of myself because I was kicked out of a company
whose reason for not having me is my gaddamn personality. But I took it like a
sports, I get on with my life, took everything as an opportunity to evolve and
to change, which I did. I succeeded but still I am still in hell hole, feeling
frustrated of not having money of my own.
All I ever wanted after school, or even before school, was
to help my family, but it seems that every time, I engage myself into a work, I
feel like it is never going to be enough. So I keep changing jobs, jumping from
one company to another. My position has always been the same, receptionist and
every time I work as such I always found myself as a miserable telephone
operator who is desperate to get out of the job after six months. The money is
the only thing I want, I don’t want the work. Only the money, so I figured I
have to change myself and add something to my ability other than a fucking
degree in college because no matter what I do, no matter where I go, I will
always be viewed as a lesser being than others.
What do you call this? This kind of fucking frustration?
Life. I call this life. And you know what I hate my life, I hate my dreams, I
hate myself for ever believing that something will be better, I hate myself for
ever believing in miracles. I know I am getting close, but every time I get
messed up and failed, it is getting harder and harder to move back up again. I
am not some gad damn saint. I am just a frustrated person who wants to have
money so I can help my family. I can’t see myself anymore, anywhere near what
it used to be. If I try to imagine myself settling down with a family, gah… I
can’t even make a relationship successful. I am not complete person yet and I
will never be. How can you settle down with someone like that? I wouldn’t. I am
the kind of person who needs something to win, something to conquer otherwise,
my life would be just a fucking hell hole and I see having a family for that.
I have regrets and I am frustrated with people trying to
make me live their lives, hounding at me about getting married, having a
family. I know I want to have children but I don’t know…it is tall order.
So now, I am waiting for a certain project which I hoped
would salvage my empty bank accounts. Perhaps it would only just be few dollars
but it is all I have right now. It is all I have. If only I knew that life
would be as frustrating and as disappointing as this is, I wouldn’t have chosen
to live after all.
Family and Marriage
Family and Marriage
I am not an expert and I am by no
means having any right to give any advices. I am not like others out there who preach
what they can’t practice and even if I can practice what I preach, I still feel
I have no right to give any advice to anyone at all because I believe that we
all have our own time to serve in this lifetime. If it’s not yet your time,
then it is not yet your time. I don’t give an unsolicited advice, that’s just
not me. I don’t have thick face at all. I am not like others out there.
Anyway, there’s this issue
amongst my circle of friends, marriage and creating a family of their own. Here’s
my take on that issue. I am not against it. It is just that, before you enter
into such thing, make sure it is for the right reasons because after all, it is
your life. I have known so many people, and maybe this is a cultural thing, I
don’t know. They usually came from a messed up family and given their
situation, I think most people think that creating a family is the escape or
solution to go on. I think it is not. You see, creating a child out of your desperation
to fix your own childhood is not only selfishness but suicide. Suicide of your
dreams, of your child’s future and dreams as well. Fix yourself first, before
trying to fix others because until then, you have no right to do so. Marriage
is not the solution. It IS NOT. I don’t know there are so many people out there
who easily gave up their freedom for the sake of some cultural dogmas. I mean,
do you really have no idea what kind of life you would have once you commit
into someone whom you are not in love with? I mean, come on. Imagine, living
your life under the same roof with a man you don’t even get along with? Why
exactly would you do that to yourself? Why would you throw yourself into such
hell hole? That’s fucking stupid, man. Life is difficult and hard as it is and
if you even make it worse by committing yourself into a situation, you are not
ready for, that is suicide. No wonder so many people are walking talking dead
sticks.
Relationship is not joke; more
so, a marriage. What more creating a family. To build a family is to build a
team with two people having to cooperate with one another. And if you and your
spouse are not passionate about it, imagine what kind of life you will give to
your children? Don’t be selfish. I don’t see myself having to commit myself
into marriage. Not that I don’t believe in it. But I guess, I am better off
alone with myself. My parents aren’t the role models I want to be in my life.
They’ve disappoint me and I don’t want any more responsibility for myself that
I have to care about.
Changing Home: Uranus Jupiter Transit
The truth is I want to change
home, like right now. It’s not that my home right now is that bad but it’s the
people I am around with. It’s time to move on, to change scenery. I will never
change anything about my life if I continue to cling to what I thought was me.
No matter what I do, the people I grew up with namely my parents will never see
the real me nor will I be respected for who I am and for who I am not. Our
opinions will always be different and our differences will always be there to
come between us. Jupiter is now transiting my 4th house, Leo and
Uranus is in Aries, they are trine and I am up for a change. Change of my core
self, change of my belief systems and most importantly change of how I see
myself, my real self. I’ve done so much already, suffered so much already for
having parents who would always make me feel I will never be good enough.
I went to church today and the
only reason is because my parents goes to church not because I want to go to
church. All throughout the ceremony, I pout, sigh and make faces. All I can see
are people who blindly follow the beliefs of many without questioning the
values they are being thought. Why don’t they listen to what the preacher says,
making them believe they are sinful, that they are suffering… who is freaking
suffering? And who is sinful? Sinful to what and to who? Why would you believe
someone who keeps telling you, you are not good enough, that there is something
wrong with you? You will never trust yourself if you continue to believe those.
You will end up like my parents, gullible and easily seduced by these religious
dogmas. I mean, all that time, I was
quiet, sitting on my chair pretending to praying, I was pretending to pray! And
yet, who can tell the difference? Who knows I might be vomiting on my throat
while listening to that horrible choir. I might be rolling my eyes while
listening to that senseless preaches of that priest. Personalities of people do
not and will never change. And so as politics, hatred, revengeful thoughts and
feeling, greed, lust. These are part of human nature and if a certain religion
tirelessly tells you, you can overcome those, and then I guess it is time to
fucking move on. Stop being retarded by believing that you are not worthy of
something because you are.
My friend used to tell me that religions
in our society are invented to control people. That’s true, and not only that,
also to make money. I mean, come on, those religious organizations are far
richer than the ones they are preaching. Asking money through the context of
religion is one way, the surest way and the easiest way to make money. I’ve
once attended a born again Christians gathering a few times in the past and to
tell you the truth, I hated all of them in disgust. Because these retarded and
cultish freaks are self righteous deluded people who thinks they are better
than the catholics, yet most of them if not all came from the catholics. They
think they are some sort special people, sort of superior, know it all kind of
people who thinks they are better than others. Superior my ass! These are the
same people who would bully by using some name of some God, making you feel
inferior, making you feel like you’re some sort of sinful creature who doesn’t
deserve to have happiness at all. And these are the same people who would pry
on your personal lives and who would gossip about you behind your back. What a
fucking freaks! Back to that church I once attended. So every after their
stupid session, the minister or the preacher, he would collect money from the
stupid followers who are so eager to give money to the guy! And mind you, these
people could barely feed themselves, they live in this poor bank bed sharing
bedroom while the minister and his family lives in this exclusive villa, fully
paid for by the money of the same people who has no job. I mean, come on, you
don’t need to have a doctorate degree to see that there is something wrong
about that. Geez… you might as well be blind because if your someone from the
outside, and when you see this happening, I swear to God, not only you would be
annoyed but most likely you would vomit to your own throat.
But as I said before, I have
nothing against any religion. Nothing against, it’s just the way people uses
religion as a means for something. It’s in bad taste, really in bad taste. And
also, these born again Christians, I swear they are the last people I want to
be near with. And I don’t care if you’re a family or you’re the most beautiful
person in the world but if you are one of those people, you can fuck the hell
off. They are those kinds of people who recruit people aggressively. I mean,
like in a cult. They go around, knocking on your door preaching on your face
like mother Theresa or something. I mean, they talk about God like it is some
fish on the market place. It’s silly and it is in bad taste. Who wants that?
Born again Christians are the silliest, the freakiest and the worst people I’ve
met on this planet. Never again will I ever, ever going to be in their company.
I’d rather put a bullet on my head that to be around this silly people.
Since I have no religion, I find
myself alone, and happy with MY GOD. And to him, I answer alone and freely. I
make mistakes in my life, but it is mine. My journey in this life is mine, my
own. I was born alone and I will die alone. No one has the right to tell me, I
got it all wrong because I got it all right. I am a free man and I don’t need a
religion to give me a sense of belonging, or to save myself. I can do that on
my own. I throw away friendships because of this and I don’t regret my
decision. I don’t like people who cannot and do not know how to stand on their
own. Strength comes from us, not from icons or preacher. Faith comes from only
plunging to the unknown and through some silly dogmas. Let your mistakes and
your every work by your religion. You may be an artist or a writer or a poet,
you don’t need these religious faith to be on your own. Let your creations be
your own religion.
Art and Religion
Since I started blogging, I
noticed that there are a lot of blogs I come across here that’s about religion
or at least talks about mostly about religion. I am not against any religion,
but I can’t deny my dismay of it, mostly towards its followers and the people
behind religion. Again, and I am going to repeat it again. I am not against any
religious belief system. But I do not believe that religion should be centering
of one’s life more so the means of one’s food. I mean, come on. Everybody knows
that if you want to get rich, as is easily rich, build a fucking religion.
People who are weak enough to be gullible and to believe in this ruthless
preacher would end up victims.
A belief system is only a belief
system and just like any other ideas in this world, it is ephemeral. It is ever
changing, ever evolving as the individual evolves. But I can absolutely
understand why a person would choose to lean to some religious cult or sects
just to find meaning of his existence, because after all, life is goddamn hard.
It is a struggle and one thing that I learn, we all carry some baggage or pain
in our lives that needs to be handled in a certain way. And if a person is not
evolved enough, how would he know how to handle it. Religion is the first and
last resort perhaps.
Although, I believe in prayer, of
meditation but most importantly, I believe in discipline, most specifically,
self discipline. You cannot go wrong with that. Self discipline can really make
a difference in a person’s life for a better. It is your next door preacher who
can hand you the miracle you’ve been waiting. It is you and it is within you.
That’s all I want to say and that’s
all I want to preach. Though, I am not preaching. I am not retard. I have no
plans of joining some cultish freaks who knows nothing but pry on other people’s
lives asking them, if you’ll going to die where are you going? I almost fell
out of my chair as I typed this. I met few people like this before and they are
absolutely, absolutely terrifying. Not because they threatening like that, whatsoever
but they seem to me, they’ll going to break down any time and they would make
sure they’ll going to pass on their crap to you. I mean come on, who would
seriously belief in that Armageddon, end of the world thing. Who are these
people who spread fear to innocent citizenries? If you are searching for truth,
seek for it in art. Because politics come and go, religion can kill you, but
one thing, only one thing remains certain, ART.
It is perhaps, its uncertainty that provides us the truth about life. No
one but an artist can open you up, heal you, nurture you and inspire you all at
the same time. Don’t go to a preacher, go to an artist, talk to an artist when
you feel lost and then you will understand who you are and your entire
existence with only just one sitting.
The answer to this world’s
problem isn’t religion. It’s art. And perhaps, literature and those who can
create art and literature are the salt of this earth; they are the diamonds of
this generation, the savior of humanity. I believe in a poet more than I
believe a next door preacher or teacher because those who can’t do teach. Those
who are still capable of bringing sensitivity to the world are the gems and the
special kind. Those, whose sensitivity has been consumed in life, are the
poorest amongst all of us.
Take care of your artists, your
poets because you don’t know how much important they are until you found
yourself in one of their masterpiece, possibly on the wall, staring at your own
beauty you may have never realized, is within you. The words of a poet give life to an ailing
soul and there’s no amount of money which can equal that.
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